I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Enjoy the penises
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
