If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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