I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
