Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
