Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
