i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just had sex bonerless
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
