its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The ass gains better be worth it
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