I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
