Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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