lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
