Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
