I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
