I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
