I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
