I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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