So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
