you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
