i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
