got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
