i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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