chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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