I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
