Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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