Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
