I think my vagina is haunted
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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