Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sorry about my life...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
