God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
