when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize