Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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