i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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