I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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