if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
