She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
