Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Someone came in the potted fern
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
