Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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