I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
