Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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