We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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