you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
