this beer tastes like vomit already
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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