Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
