I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
