I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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