i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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