zippers are such a cool invention
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
