highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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