i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
