My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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