new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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