Just cropdusted the office
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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