Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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